* "Before we spend the next four to five hours giving each other golden statues, let's take a moment to congratulate ourselves."
* "Tonight we look beyond the dark days to focus on happier fare: this year's slate of Oscar-nominated psychopathic killer movies. Does this town need a hug? What happened? No Country for Old Men? Sweeney Todd? There Will Be Blood? All I can say is, thank God for teen pregnancy."
* "Congratulations to Mr. George Clooney for his fine film Michael Clayton. The movie is a little over a hundred minutes long, but since it's about lawyers, you can round that up to two hours."
* "Diablo Cody used to be an exotic dancer, and now she's an Oscar-nominated screenwriter. I hope you're enjoying the pay cut."
* "Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the front-runner for the Republican nomination."
* "Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton versus Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty."
* "In case you're wondering what we all do here during the commercial breaks, mostly we just sit around making catty comments about the outfits you're all wearing at home."
* "This is the environmentally conscious Green Oscars. So, tonight, all of our presenters will be walking all the way to the microphones."
* "Jessica Alba is pregnant, and I saw earlier that Cate Blanchett is pregnant. And that's very exciting. Two pregnant women here tonight at the Oscars—then again, obviously the night is still young. And Jack [Nicholson] is here."